patrick » finger exercises http://patrick.sullivanlabs.net Every bit is fiction. Fri, 10 Feb 2012 05:13:30 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= I deserve a http://patrick.sullivanlabs.net/2007/03/31/i-deserve-a/ http://patrick.sullivanlabs.net/2007/03/31/i-deserve-a/#comments Sat, 31 Mar 2007 01:17:35 +0000 patrick http://patrick.sullivanlabs.net/?p=9 I deserve a break to find a place to put my belt buckle. I deserve both feet on the ground but my hands up up up and not close to here. I deserve to hope that the feet that are on the ground are mine. Through the fear and the breakdown of what i deserve, more than anything, i deserved you. every bitter and squalid attempt to keep you i was killing a part of me.

And that part of me deserved to be dead. To be dead and gone and never to rise again.

But I don’t deserve the time I have been given by all the people that know me. I have been given grace and time and space to exist.

My problems with cats and tables and tv and all the accouterment with my personality that might not match your drapes but sure as fuck make sense to me. All of that is me. I have tried to leave it, or hide it or cover it up with trips and clothes. By hanging out with people I don’t respect and hoping that everything would be ok.

Those days and night of everlasting where the fuck am I don’t mean I don’t exist. Or I am doomed to repeat ad nasuem these patterns.

But as I sit in this chair in this shack of a room, by-my-self, I can’t help but wonder what the hell i did to deserve this.

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